June 17, 2009

From my journal:

My most serene, holy moments tend to happen when I'm naked and wet. Water has a cleansing effect on my mind. Nudity, a state which I am rarely found, shows us in our most natural (and vulnerable) selves. It's been quite some time since I last prayed like this, on my knees in the shower, water running down my face. (my cup overflows). In these moments, I have a profound sense of frailty. I am akin to a newborn, vulnerable to the challenges of this new and frightening place.

I doubt I would have these moments had I any consecutive amount of successes. Rather, I find myself fighting for the slightest foothold in life. In my failures I have humility, and in my humility, God. Ah, the famous beatitudes. "Blessed are the poor in spirit" (Matt 5). There is a strange blessing in poverty and loss: In perseverance.

In those holy moments my prayer is simple: That God would give me the determination to continue trying in the face of adversity. I can only hope that this life can be used in some way or form to do good in the world. That's all I want. To help.

My shortcomings weigh me to my knees. I pray, not in eloquent words or tongues, but with swallowed pride. Entitlement is my bane. I will leave this world the way I came into it.

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