Rant: Your spirituality sucks.

I had an adult-moment today. A holy moment. An epiphany. Call it whatever you like, I felt something today that I don't believe I've ever felt before. I felt my heart soften. I felt myself feel love - not in an epic hollywood kind of way - but in a way that is small and warm.

Not that I haven't felt love before... but this was a humbling feeling.

I walked up to the altar to receive communion, kneeling next to an elderly woman on my left and an elderly man on my right. I could almost feel their prayers as we waited our turn to take the elements. We ate and drank but the power wasn't in the bread or juice - it was in the line of kneeling people, old and sick and troubled - but full of hope. I walked back to my seat and watched intently as a man on oxygen was wheeled to the front, and where those who could not bend stood and received. I listened, earlier, as they spoke about a woman who had just passed away, and shared prayer requests for health problems and family issues. I was amazed to see dozens of names in the pamphlet asking for a prayer someone might extend on their behalf. Even earlier than that, I sat in a class listening to a dozen or so folks debate the Atheist Manifesto. When they weren't talking about that, they were discussing the newest trends in philanthropy (http://carrotmob.com) and how they could help. The same people who were struggling with disease and finances and death were trying to brainstorm the best possible way they could help people.

After spending two years almost entirely isolated in the college-age environment, I have been stunned to reflect on the differences between these generations. In examining myself, I have realized that the faith I so arrogantly wore is nothing like the faith these people hold dearly to. Everything is different. Take, for example, the comfort they take from God. There's a sense of longsuffering here. My peers have no patience with God - they scream and balk and cry out in despair. They're desperate in their attempts to grope and find God, whether in worship or prayer, or some bizarre set of morals. And they have their health. And they have their youth. Their vitality. But they cry out in desparation to meaningless pop worship that repeats the same lyrics over and over and over....

These words don't do justice and they're not meant as criticism. There's a subtle sort of truth to this reality, but that's the best I can do to describe it. It can be a little bit... crazed. In comparison, these older folk have far greater problems. They're losing retirement funds and health care, dying, losing family members, and fighting off disease. And yet, there seems to be a resigned serenity to their suffering.

Perhaps that's the difference between maturity and naivety.

But I could go on. My peers have causes. They wear them proudly on their feet or on T-shirts, on bumper stickers and macbook covers. We travel and make documentaries... but we don't really do much. We know a lot. But we don't do much about it. We're great advertisers, but poor humanitarians. When a popular cause does seem to catch on, it's often so poorly managed that it squanders the funds it manages to collect on silly things. I know people who do good things because it benefits them. It gives them sex appeal or social ranking, or it even spiritual ranking.

Update:

“Evolutionary psychologists have a cynical term for cooperative, procommunity behaviors like buying a Prius or shopping at Whole Foods or carrying a public-radio tote bag: competitive altruism. Cynical, but accurate. As several studies have shown, altruistic people achieve higher status, and are much more likely to behave altruistically in situations where their actions are public than when they will go unnoticed.”

“Competitive Altruism: Being Green in Public,” TIME

Ok, yes, hymns are boring. But, damn, have you ever read some of those lyrics? There are entire stanzas and poems full of meaning and sorrow and hope and love. Each one tells a story. The stuff I'm used to singing is the same silly theologically-shallow lyrics to the same catchy tune again and again. What has happened? Faith used to be about inner personal strength, but everything I've witnessed in the last two years is... preposterous. It's inane and pompous.

There's an underlying tension among the spirituality of my peers - we've rejected the spiritual and social guidance of those that are older and wiser and now we're suffering for it. How can we expect to learn from each other when we refuse to learn from the generations before us? I mean, do you really expect a 20-something to give you time-tested spiritual advice about the world? There's no truth in that. Go read a book that's not a best seller and go talk to someone that's three times your age. You're dying every second - you might as well learn how to do it gracefully from someone who's been dying a lot longer than you.

Listen. I'm in the same boat. I'm sharing this because I'm pissed it's taken me so long to realize this. You're going to learn lessons the hard way unless you realize you're not anymore special to God than anyone else. Be open-minded enough to hear the great freakin stuff people know. There's so much!