I'm 26 today. And as I think back on the last year, I'm blown away by how much has happened. I've lived in 8 different homes in the last year, between Florida, North Carolina, and Missouri. I've traveled to LA, Hollywood, Nashville, Charlotte, Savannah, Miami, Jacksonville, Hilton Head Island, Kansas City, St Louis, Orlando, Tampa, Boston, and driven halfway across the United States. I freelanced. I was accepted to Naval Officer Candidate School for Intelligence as well as to Candler Theological School at Emory, but chose, instead, to become a Youth Director for a few dozen youth in the middle of Missouri. I've visited old friends, said good-bye to great ones, and made brand new ones. But more than anything, I've been incredibly humbled this year.
Where ever you go, there you are. No matter how much I travel or friends I meet, I have realized that I must always live with myself, even if I have not always been true to myself. What I've realized is this: Change happens. It's both gentle and harsh, quick and slow, sly and obvious, sad and happy. But it happens. Our choice, then, is to accept this life, or deny it. And although there are many circumstances that are out of our control, when it comes to our truest and deepest selves, we choose to grow or decay. Change only goes two ways.
Which brings me to my next thought: They say teenagers can't process long-term decisions. It's something about the frontal lobe of the brain not being fully developed, and if that's true, it sure explains a lot about my life. Because if I've learned something in the last 5 months of being a Youth Director, it's this: teenagers hate change. That is... until they hate their current circumstances. Maybe it's more than teenagers - because that certainly sounds like a human quality. People hate change... unless they hate the present more. That's why tragedies change us - they make us move. We must reach a certain level of dissatisfaction before we're willing to budge from our nest.
So to get back to my introspection, I've discovered this long-term thinking to be very beneficial to my state-of-being. My desire to live a worthwhile life is more valuable to me than the comforts that the present offers. I have managed to appreciate the present - love it, even - but with a certain amount of reservation. Because this ends. All of it. My 25th year ended - but so will all the rest. The question then becomes - what's truly valuable in this world?
Most people I know would probably answer "relationships." But then, again, we fall into rocky territory. Everyone has relationships - even the worst people on the planet. A friend of mine works at a prison. Even murders and child-molesters have friends.
We have friends because they make us feel better.
Many of our relationships are abusive in that we use people for our own emotional triggers. We hate feeling alone. So, then, what am I trying to say? Well, to be blunt, if our lives don't contribute to something, they're worthless. Fortunately, "every story needs it's Gollum." (Thanks, Dr. Waddell!) Even the worst of us contribute to the future in some way.
This reminds me of a Bible verse. (I talk about the Bible a lot, but for some reason, I don't share the things that truly and deeply move me. Let me remedy that here.)
Where ever you go, there you are. No matter how much I travel or friends I meet, I have realized that I must always live with myself, even if I have not always been true to myself. What I've realized is this: Change happens. It's both gentle and harsh, quick and slow, sly and obvious, sad and happy. But it happens. Our choice, then, is to accept this life, or deny it. And although there are many circumstances that are out of our control, when it comes to our truest and deepest selves, we choose to grow or decay. Change only goes two ways.
Which brings me to my next thought: They say teenagers can't process long-term decisions. It's something about the frontal lobe of the brain not being fully developed, and if that's true, it sure explains a lot about my life. Because if I've learned something in the last 5 months of being a Youth Director, it's this: teenagers hate change. That is... until they hate their current circumstances. Maybe it's more than teenagers - because that certainly sounds like a human quality. People hate change... unless they hate the present more. That's why tragedies change us - they make us move. We must reach a certain level of dissatisfaction before we're willing to budge from our nest.
So to get back to my introspection, I've discovered this long-term thinking to be very beneficial to my state-of-being. My desire to live a worthwhile life is more valuable to me than the comforts that the present offers. I have managed to appreciate the present - love it, even - but with a certain amount of reservation. Because this ends. All of it. My 25th year ended - but so will all the rest. The question then becomes - what's truly valuable in this world?
Most people I know would probably answer "relationships." But then, again, we fall into rocky territory. Everyone has relationships - even the worst people on the planet. A friend of mine works at a prison. Even murders and child-molesters have friends.
We have friends because they make us feel better.
Many of our relationships are abusive in that we use people for our own emotional triggers. We hate feeling alone. So, then, what am I trying to say? Well, to be blunt, if our lives don't contribute to something, they're worthless. Fortunately, "every story needs it's Gollum." (Thanks, Dr. Waddell!) Even the worst of us contribute to the future in some way.
This reminds me of a Bible verse. (I talk about the Bible a lot, but for some reason, I don't share the things that truly and deeply move me. Let me remedy that here.)
"We know that everything works together for good for those who love God." Romans 8:28This isn't a verse about how God likes Christians better and gives them wishes out of a magic lamp. Rather, when you love something with all your being, you can't help but align yourself with it. Your life isn't going to magically come together if you love God. But the way you see things - your experiences - everything changes when you're in love. Every problem and ache and disappointment in life looks different when it's seen through this lens. Everything - every earthquake and tsunami, every divorce and every tear, every hungry child and every death - it all works together. Because death isn't the end. Suffering isn't the end. When we love God, we see a path emerge. The early Christians even called themselves "followers of the Way."
There is a path. A process. There's a radical concept of hope. And this is valuable.
Worth dying for.
And maybe even worth living for.
And that's where I find myself. I have searched and searched, and happened to stumble upon this path that has been winding all around me this entire time. It doesn't matter where I am or what my profession is. It doesn't matter how old I am, or how many mistakes I've made.
This is where my heart is: on the path.
This is how I handle change. This is how I handle life. When your life (a speck) contributes to something big (think: universe), change is easy. In the face of Holiness, all sense of entitlement is lost.
Every moment is a gift and every moment is fleeting.
But holy.
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