Desire.

I suppose I should just say it.  I've terribly lonely.  I've been reluctant to give words to this feeling mostly because I love many of the people that are in my life and I would hate for them to think they have failed me in some form or fashion.  When I let myself examine this emotion, I realize two things: 1) I miss my family and 2) I miss a supportive community.  I suppose I didn't realize how truly blessed I was to know probably a dozen people who could pray for me at any given moment.  I find it interesting that I would define a "supportive" community by their willingness to pray. It's not that I think praying for people somehow makes them better friends.  It's just that it takes a certain amount of vulnerability on the part of both people.  And people aren't vulnerable with one another very often.  Supportive communities, in my mind, are groups of people who are willing to get vulnerable with one another. 

And so I'm left with a predicament.  I'm surrounded by people and feel more alone than when I'm by myself. 

It gives me quite the bit of anxiety.  My chest tightens up (or perhaps it's my gut?), I get heart palpitations, and I feel generally squeamish and shaky. This isn't because I'm alone.  This one is more related to my profession.  I work with youth.  This is amazing and intimidating.  I feel that my youth pastors failed me gravely in the past.  So I try to be very honest and very real with these kids.  I'm always amazed by the kind of material they can handle and their enthusiasm and willingness to listen.  But there's so much of life that can't be taught with words.  There's a huge part of the Christian faith that is made up of true community.  Heck, I might argue that the Christian faith is ENTIRELY based upon the idea of selfless community.  And this I do not have.  I can't model this.  I can't practice it.  And so I feel that I am failing these youth.

And that gives me anxiety. 

What I would give for a few of my old friends!  What a snow-ball effect it would have. 

Perhaps this will change.  But for now, I love. 

The scriptures tell us that if we delight in the LORD, he'll give us the desires of our hearts.
Well I desire what the early Christians had.  I desire a community that so loved God and so loved people that they would die for one another.  I desire a community that values each other more than they value their possessions or wealth.  I desire a place where I know I am accepted - no matter my mistakes or moods.  I desire a community where true growth is possible.  I desire love.  Not romance.  True love among people.

But for now I just have desire.